rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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