I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
did i just pee glitter
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