sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
