If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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