How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
