Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
