i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
