i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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