god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
