The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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