There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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