i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
