he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
