he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm gonna fight the coyote
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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