mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
