I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
