she looked like the bat from fern gully.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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