6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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