I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
