bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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