I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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