my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
