You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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