i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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