I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
