i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
