i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
