come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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