I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
