Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I wear drunk well.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
