Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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