I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Randomize
