If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
