some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
