Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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