The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
