i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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