Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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