if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Randomize
