It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
