So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
