Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
