my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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