Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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