i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
im holly from the hills drunk
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Randomize
