Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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