I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
