K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
