Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize