Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
