im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
