I can text with my tongue
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
