he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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