Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize