you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
