Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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