He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
