You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
