my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize