Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
