Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
