ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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