I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
