I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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