This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
