Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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