Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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