i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
